Hi, I’m Mitt Romney, and I’d like to be your next president. Some have accused me of being a flip-flopper. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I am a man of great constancy. I am constantly being constant. Ask my wife, “What is the constant in your marriage?” and she will tell you, “Mitt, for sure.” In fact, am exactly the same person I was when I ran for the Republican nomination the last time. Only this time it will be different, because I have been practicing. I’ve been practicing the Ronald Reagan voice. I’ve been practicing answers to difficult questions. But most of all, I’ve been working on three things:
- Uh… let me see, I think I have that written down here somewhere… oops! Hahah, just kidding. (Sorry, Rick, I couldn’t resist.)
It now appears certain that I will be your Republican choice for President in 2012. My opponent is a socialist, and bad for business. I was a businessman, like Hermain Cain; but unlike Herman Cain, I don’t try to get blow jobs in cars. I don’t need to! I have six wives in seven different houses. Oops, I wasn’t supposed to say that.
Also, Barack Obama is weak on defense. We need to increase military spending. We need more missile defenses, aircraft carriers, nuclear attack submarines, and U.S. military bases on foreign soil. And we need to figure out a way to raise Ronald Reagan from the dead, because I’m running out of ways to sound like him.
Maybe you don’t like some of my policies, and maybe you think I flip-flop. That doesn’t really matter, because whoever is president, it’s going to be the same: The U.S. government will do whatever pleases big banks, the military-industrial complex, the pharmaceutical companies, Halliburton and the oil companies, and a loose affililation of millionaires and billionaires.
So it doesn’t matter. What we really need in a president is somebody with a soothing, well-modulated voice, somebody who is not too hard on the eyes. Perhaps you’ve noticed my presidential facial features: my high forehead, showing great intelligence; my prominent chin, showing strength of character; and my handsome nose, which is assertive, but not intrusive — just like me!
Please, everybody, vote for me on Election Day, 2012. I look presidential, I feel presidential, and believe me, I can act presidential.