Hi there! I’m Rick Perry, your next president. Why am I so sure I’ll be elected? Because I prayed about it, and God gave me a clear answer: “Yes, my dear son Rick. You, and not Michele Bachmann, will be our next president.” I was also given reasonable assurances by people I cannot name (who have more money than God) that they support me, just as they supported my precedessor, George W. Bush, and he was elected twice, even though he was dumber than a doorknob and ran our country into a ditch.
If you have read Michele Bachmann’s piece about the Bible (elsewhere on this website), you might be asking, “Well, she seems pretty tight with God, too. How come you think you can beat her?” It’s very simple. She’s a woman. The Bible says that women should submit to men. If she wants to be my Vice President, that might be OK, as long as she doesn’t rock the boat.
And now, as promised…
GLOBAL WARMING EXPLAINED!
A lot of people got upset recently when I came out with the fact that global warming is not man-made. In my Christian heart I cannot blame these people, because let’s be honest. Global warming can be a problem. For one thing, it helps cause droughts, and Texas is suffering from one of the worst droughts in recent history. But it’s a small price to pay for the rewards I’m going to show you in a minute.
Global warming is understood by very few people — especially scientists — but God understands it, because He made it, and he explained it to me, so now I can explain it to you.
You see, global warming is causing the polar ice packs to melt, and not just the ice at the North and South Poles. It’s melting all the glaciers and permafrost tundras in the world. That’s a lot of melting water, and it is going to cause the sea levels to rise. And now we begin to see the genius of God’s plan.
You see, all that rising seawater is going to flood the coastal regions in the world. If you look at the map of U.S.A., you will see that the “blue states” — the ones that almost always vote Democratic — are on the east and west coast, mainly. And where are most of the red states, where we find the good, God-fearing Christians with traditional values and heterosexual marriages? That’s right, inland. The true people of God will not be affected!
So there you have it, folks! God will drown the unbelievers, Christ-haters, fornicators and the other liberals, and leave the country to good people like us! Praise Jesus!
Looking forward to a great times!
Your next president,