Hey, kids! I’m Michele Bachmann, your next president, and I want to help you understand the Bible. I went to Oral Roberts University, where we got to know the word of God real well.
The Holy Bible is God’s book, and the only book you should read. It has everything you need to know, including God’s plan, with me as president of America, and therefore the world. God has spoken to me personally, and He wants me to explain what He really wanted to say in His book, the Bible.
In the beginning, God made heaven and earth. However He did not make Washington, D.C. That city of evil was created by a man named George Washington, who was not a real Christian. This explains why we have so many problems today. (“D.C.” is short for “Devil’s City.”)
God also created the Garden of Eden. He could have created a full-sized Farm of Eden, but that would have cost too much and led to higher taxes. God knew that containing costs — not taxing the rich — is the first principle of good governance.
In the Garden of Eden, God made a woman named Eve and her husband, Add-On. Eve and Add-On were created fully clothed. Dirty-minded Jews have told us that Add-On and Eve were naked, but that couldn’t be true, because God hates pornography.
There was also a snake in the Garden who was the Devil in disguise. He knew that knowledge would make Add-On and Eve doubt God’s word in the Bible, by filling their heads with facts and other nonsense, so He offered them an Apple computer. Not knowing any better, they immediately went on the Internet and started chatting with people they hardly knew, and Googling things that they weren’t supposed to be Googling.
Naturally, God was outraged, so He cast Add-On and Eve out of the Garden of Eden and into an evil city called Saddam and Gonorrhea, where people were practicing Saddamy and getting pretty good at it, since they all had Apple computers and were able to watch pornography.
God was even more outraged, so He let the King of Egypt, a hippy named Phar-Out, enslave everybody who had not already been turned into a pillar of salt. Moses, who was God’s messenger and therefore hated hippies, led the Hebrews to freedom in Israel, where the tax rate was zero and everybody was allowed to own a gun.
However God was feeling kind of lonely, because the Jews were too busy changing money in the temple to listen to Him, so He decided to have a child of his own: Jesus! The Son of God taught that we must love everybody, unless they are gay or liberal. He died on the cross so that you would not have to pay taxes.
The final book of the Bible is Revelation, which predicts that the world will be almost destroyed in a great battle called Armageddon. Talk about cool explosions and special effects! After that, Jesus will come back and smite everyone God hates, which is just about everybody except the true people of God, and we know who we are, don’t we?
And so, as your president, and with your support, I hope to fulfill Biblical prophecy by starting World War III!
In God’s love,